


Dangerously N Love

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-05
Updated: 2005-01-25
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin aren't together anymore can they go on with thier life with out each other??And be ok..





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Here come Brian and Mark. It's their daily lunch date! I'm sorry if I sound sarcastic, but I can't help it. I really hate this guy. It's funny, Brian and I stop seeing each other, with me begging him to love me and be faithful, and a month later Brian meets and gets a boyfriend and goes and does the faithful I-have-a-boyfriend-thing! A month later! I repeat, a month. God, I really do hate him for that. I knew something was wrong with me, I knew it, and every time Brian & Mark come around I get all these 'Poor Justin' looks from everyone. Assholes. I'll never tell them that. I have to put up my best Sunshine face. Might I add, it has become a picture of perfection in the last 5 months.

"Hi, Mark. Brian."

"Hi Justin!" Mark says with his best Brian-Kinney-just-fucked-me-in-the-back-of-the-jeep-in-the-alley face. I know the face. I used to wear it myself.

"Hey." Brian says. You know something that I hadn't noticed before? Brian wears the 'Poor Justin' face too. I repeat, asshole.

"What can I get for ya'll today?" I say, wishing I could just spit in Mark's food and be done with it. But I don't.

"Justin, we come in here EVERYDAY and order the same thing, nothing has changed since yesterday, sweetie. Unless Brian here has changed his mind, have you baby?" Mark says, kissing the left side of Brian's neck, letting me know that they're together, and he's not going anywhere. Bitch.

"No, same as yesterday, Justin." Brian says, giving me the look of sorry. Asshole.

Don't get the idea that I'm bitter. I'm not. I'm just fucking pissed off that Brian found his undying love after ME! What the fuck??? I put up with all his shit and when I finally get tried of it and leave some other flaming queer gets what's supposed to be mine! No, I'm not fucking bitter. Not at all.

And then they come here and flaunt their 'Love' in my face, day in and day out. I should have told Brian what I was feeling at our first movie night. Oh, for those of you who missed 'Movie night', let me recap. On Thursday night, three months ago, Brian invites me over to watch a movie. I should have fucking known that there was a motive behind that. So, I go over, thinking he wants to give us a shot. How fucking wrong was I? We're watching "Gone with the Wind". I know no one can picture Brian wanting to watch this movie, but Brian has this thing for old movies, such as "Gone with the Wind". Anyway, right at the end of the movie, he turns to me and says 'Justin, I love him.' At first I'm thinking he's talking about the actor, so I say, while pointing at the TV, 'He is kind of cute'. But he goes 'No, Mark.' I swear my heart stopped, I mean really stopped. I saw my whole life pass before my eyes; when I first met Daphne, when I was 9 and Billy Johnson took my ice cream cone and dumped it on my head for asking him for a kiss; when I met Brian four years ago, Ethan, the Prom, our first kiss, our first dance, our everything. I saw it all.

I remember him shaking me and calling my name.

"DON'T. TOUCH. ME!" I yelled, backing away from him.

"Justin...Please." He said, walking towards me.

"Brian, fuck you. FUCK YOU!" By then, tears were pouring down my face and I was grabbing my things, 'cause I had come right over from my shift at the diner.

"Listen to me...Please, Justin. I don't want to hurt you." I guess he knew he had said the wrong words, because everything stopped. I stood, frozen to the spot where my coat lay. Then I turned around and looked at him. I wiped my face and started laughing. I don't know why I found that funny, but I did and I couldn't stop myself from laughing.

"Hurt me? You didn't want to hurt me? Brian, fuck you and all your shit!! It's truly too late for not hurting me, you asshole. IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE, did you hear me? IT'S TOO LATE!" I spat as I grabbed my coat off the floor and put it on.

"Justin, please, tell me how you feel. Don't just leave like this, it'll kill me." He said. I have to say at that very moment I snapped. He finally wants to know how I feel. NOW he wants to talk! I lost all the willpower I didn't even know I had. I walked over to his living room table, I sat down on the sofa and lit myself a cigarette. I took a few puffs and I looked at him. After the second puff, I turned around to the side of me and put the cigarette out on his white leather sofa, then I picked up the crystal ashtray and threw it at his head. I wanted for it so bad to hit him in the head right where Chris Hobbs had hit me at.

"Justin?!?" Brian said, after moving out of the way of the ashtray.

"That's how I feel. But I'll tell you what, I wish, right this very second, I wish you'd let me die. I wish Chris Hobbs had waited till you had got in the jeep and pulled off before he hit me. I wish my had sent me to military school. I wish I'd NEVER gone to Liberty Avenue that night and met you. And first and foremost, I wish I didn't love you. Brian, fuck you for everything! For me loving you. I NEVER ever want to see you again. Chris Hobbs should have fucking killed me!" I watched him sink to the floor, shaking and crying. After I saw him as much hurt as I could stand, with that said, I left. That's the day I stopped feeling. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I cut everyone off. The only thing I do is go to school, work and hit the clubs. I have no feeling left.

A month after that night, Brian came in the diner and we acted like nothing had happened. Well, he did, not me. He came that Thursday and asked if we could do something. It was a few weeks before we had started doing things at the loft and still it didn't feel right. I felt like I was in a different world when I stepped in the loft. I guess it's because it was no longer Brian and Justin. It was Brian and Mark.

I hated that, but life goes on. Brian's did anyway. Not mine. I died three months ago. My body just hasn't been found yet.


	2. Dangerously N Love

Part 2 - Talk to Me 

I guess I've been in a daze for a while, because Kevin, the cook, came and told me my order was up.

"Here you go guys. Enjoy!" I said, putting their plates down on the table.

"Thanks." They said in unison. For a brief second, I stopped and I couldn't move. Brian and I never did that. I guess it really is love.

*Brian's POV*

"Mark, excuse me. I need to talk to Justin, ok?"

"Yeah, go ahead. I'll keep your seat warm." Mark said to me with a wink.

"Ok."

I know Justin is still pissed at me for what I did to him. I guess, in a way, I did ruin his life, but I never meant to. Mark just happened and I was tired of running from my feelings. I had to try and do this relationship thing. I just had to. I often wish it was Justin, but I have to see this relationship with Mark, though. I have to be able to say I tried, even if it doesn't work.

"Justin, can you talk?" I say, walking up to the counter, hoping he doesn't flip out at me. The last real conversation we had, that I actually wanted to have, he didn't care too much for what I said.

"Um, sure I'll take my break now. Just give me a second, I'll be outside." He says, going to the back of the diner, I guess to get his coat.

***********

"You needed to talk?" He said. I could tell he really didn't care to be having a conversation of any meaning with me.

"Justin I...I.." 

"Brian what? If you're cancelling your little pity movie night that's fine. I could find something, no, someone better to be with!" He said, looking at me with pure dismay in his eyes.

"Justin, why do you hate me so much?" I said. It kills me the way he looks at me now, like I'm the biggest fucking lair he has ever seen. I haven't...No! No one has seen Sunshine in a long time and I must say I miss him very much.

"Hate you? Brian, I don't hate you. That's like wishing you were dead. I don't wish that on anyone, not even a selfish asshole like you!" He said, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

"Justin. I miss you." I said, knowing I shouldn't have. But I had to, it's what I wanted to say. I needed to say it for my self. I guess I really am selfish.

"No, you don't. You feel sorry for me. There's a difference." He said, actually believing what was coming out of his mouth.

"I do. No matter what you say, I know how I feel." I said, hoping I could get past the ten feet wall he has built around his heart, shutting out his family and friends and, most importantly...me.

"Whatever." He said, turning around to go back inside.

''Where are you going? Your break's not over yet." I said, hoping to get a few more minutes with him.

"I have an appointment in thirty minutes. I don't want to be late."

"I can take you."

"Why?'' 

"Because I want to." I said, walking closer to him, wanting to touch him but not having the guts to do so, afraid of what it might mean.

"Whatever." He said very carelessly.


	3. Dangerously N Love

Part 3 - The Reason 

After that, I go in and tell Mark I'll see him later at my place. I tell Justin I'm ready to go. We get in the Jeep. It's very quite. About ten minutes later of me driving, I finally realize I don't know where I'm going. I find the courage to ask Justin.

 

"Justin, where to?" I say, coming to a red light.

"15696 Jarvis Street." He says, nothing more. I guess he really doesn't love me anymore. But can you blame him? I really fucked up this time.

As we pull up, I notice it's a doctor's office and I have to say my heart is racing and I'm scared. Something might be wrong with him.

"Justin, what are you doing going to the doctor's?"

"Brian, you went to college, use your head." He says, getting out the Jeep and semi-slamming the door. I jump out the car, because I want to know what is going on. I feel I still have the right to care about him; I always will.

"JUSTIN!?!?!" I find myself yelling, because he is yards ahead of me.

"Brian, what do you want?! You did your good deed for the day. Now GO.AWAY." He says with anger in his voice. I feel like I have been punched in the face. Justin has never told me to go away and I have to say I think he means it.

"Justin, I still care. I have a right to know what's going on with you." I know I am in the wrong, after everything I have done to him. Still, I love him, I can't fight that and I'm not going to. It's been too long and I hate the idea of being closed out of his life and I'm not taking it anymore.

"Brian, you have NO RIGHT, do you hear me, NO RIGHT to say things like that to me! None whatsoever! What are you trying to do? Make me hate you? Because, if you are, I swear I will. I don't want to, but I will." He whispers the last part. If I wasn't looking right at him, I swear I wouldn't believe the look in his eyes when he says it.

''Are you sick?"

"How do you mean?" He aks, looking at me.

"Are you dying? Do you have some kind of illness?" 

"No...I have a broken heart." He says this looking me right in the eye and I swear my heart breaks, too. "Nothing more. I see a shrink, his office is in this building." He goes on, like he is ashamed, and I have to say I'm shocked. I would have never guessed in a million years that Justin was seeing a shrink.

"I'm sorry for being nosey...I was just...I'm sorry." I say, looking away from him, not wanting him to see how sorry I really am.

"Sorry for what? Breaking my heart? Me seeing a shrink? Or finding out about it?" He asks sarcastically.

"To all the above." I say, really meaning it for the first time.

"Don't worry about it. You never did before, don't start now." He says, turning around and walking away from me for the third time today. You know what? I'm getting really pissed at this little drama queen shit he's pulling on me. I'm not perfect and never tried to be, but, fuck, throw me a fucking bone!

"Justin, stop running from me, because I'm not running from you." I say, sounding like a total dyke, but I need for him to listen to me and I don't know what else to do for him to stop and really listen.


	4. Dangerously N Love

Part 4 - A Moment of Truth 

*Justin's POV*

I stop, dead in my tracks, and close my eyes. It's the same thing my mom said to me some years ago, when she was finding out I was gay. I don't know why, but I wish so very bad that I could go back to that day and tell my mom all the things I was feeling, all the things I was dealing with. I can't, so I won't even try. I turn around and, for some reason, tears are in my eyes and I call out to Brian.

"Brian, why are you doing this?" I say, barely holding it together.

"Because, no matter what, you're the reason I can love anyone, Justin, you're the reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I breathe, the reason I haven't fucked up with Gus..yet. The reason for everything I am. Justin, you have to believe that and it's killing me to see you hurt like this. I never wanted this to happen, you have to believe that." 

He says this to me walking as close as he can without touching me and I have to say we still share that fire we had so long ago, so that I have to close my eyes and inhale as much of him as I can. It makes me drunk with lust, but then, as soon as I soak it in, I see him and Mark and I back away from him, as slowly as possible, so that I can see every inch of him, the real him, because I just realized that I'll always be in love with Brian, no matter who either one of us is with and that's the wonderful thing about it. 

No matter how much time goes by, I'll love him more as the days go by and I've finally understood I have to move on and stop trying to fall out of love with Brian, because it's never going to happen. It's not meant to.

"Brian, I love you with every piece of my body, but I have to let you go. You're with someone else and it'll never be the same again. I wish it could, but it can't."

"Justin, what are you saying?" 

"That we can't have any more movie nights. I can't go out with you to the clubs, I'm not ready for us to be friends like that. I'm not sure I ever will be. I need time, ok? So you do you and I'll do me, whatever that may be." I say, walking to my new life.

"Justin?" Brian says, not believing what I'm saying is real.

"What?" I don't turn around.

"I need you." He finally said it. For what it's worth, I actually believe him. I truly do.

"I need you as well, but I can live without you." I say, turning around now to kiss his cheek and give him one last look and a Sunshine smile, for old time's sake. I understand I'm walking away from my past and on to my future. I'm not sure I'll be ok, but I have to try.


	5. Dangerously N Love

Author Note:ONCE AGAIN I have this Story done and my beta is having a personal family thing and isn't able to send me back the story I wish her will and I hope to hear from her soon Thanks to everyone who send kind words about this story which is why I'm posting....... Thank you.  
(THIS WHOLE STORY IS BETA NOW..So if you missed something read again and again and again =D)

* * *

Part 5 - Reality 

 

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT! If you love somebody, I mean, truly love them, you can't just stand up and walk away from them. It isn't that easy. 

So what I'm saying is that that last part never happened. I went inside myself, I went to that place where I could tell anyone I wanted, namely Brian, to go and fuck themselves. To be honest, I really did want to say those things to Brian, hurt him like he hurt me...But I can't.

I'll never let that son of a bitch Mark win something that is rightfully mine, but I'm not going to win it back the unfair way either. I'm going to let things flow on their own and I promise I'll have what is mine if it's meant to be had. I don't give up that easily. Brian will be fucking me in no time, I hope. In the meantime, I've just got to get a life. Back to reality. 

"Brian, why are you doing this?" I say, barely holding it together.

"Because, no matter what, you're the reason I can love anyone, Justin. You're the reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I breathe. The reason I haven't fucked up with Gus..yet. The reason for everything I am. Justin, you have to believe that and it's killing me to see you hurt like this. I never wanted this to happen, you have to believe that."

"I do. I really do, Brian. I understand if it's meant to be it will be. I believe that with all my heart." I say. You know what? I honestly know now that Brian loves me and he misses me just as much as I miss him, if not more.

"You do Justin?"

"Yes. Now go, I'm late for my shrink. I feel we've got a lot to talk about today." I smile to take the harshness of my words out of my voice.

"Justin?" He says, looking like Gus does when he has done something he thinks is wrong.

"Yes Brian?" I give him the look to let him know it's ok and that I love him, no matter what.

"I don't love him as much as I do you. I just hope you understand why I'm doing this." He says. With one final look at me, he walks back to the jeep and drives off. I think it was that moment, that second, that I saw Brian with regrets for the first time. I'll wait as long as I have to. I don't think my heart will have it any another way.


	6. Dangerously N Love

Authors Note:This WHOLE Story has been beta and it should ALL make a much better read So please send me Feedback and let me know how it is for the second go around..=D

* * *

Part 6 - Phone Calls

As I'm walking into the building, my cell starts to ring. I know who it is and what needs to be said.

"I know you don't." I say, because deep down, behind all my bullshit, I know Brian doesn't love him. I know he doesn't, but still why Mark and not me?

"Justin, I can't handle it if I'm not in your life. I just can't."

"Why?" I have a right to know and I'm getting pissed off by the second. He wants to tell me all this shit now that were not together anymore. Brian and I are two fucked up people.

"Because, Justin, I do care a great deal about you, more then you'll ever know. I never wanted it to be this way but it is. I want to build a friendship with you, if you let me."

"Like you and Michael?" I ask. Because, if so, I don't want to be friends like that, me loving Brian and him blowing me off every chance he gets.

"No. Like Justin and Brian...if you want."

"I'd like that. I really would."

"Ok, I'm not sure how this works. How about dinner, just you and me tonight?"

"I'd like that, but I can't. I'm studying at Daphne's tonight. What about lunch tomorrow?" Ok, I know he and Mark have lunch everyday, but still I want to see what he will say.

"Sure. Where at?"

"Um, meet me at my place and we'll go to this new place I found, ok?"

"That works for me. I know I've made you late for your appointment, so I'll let you go."

"Ok.''

"Later."

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you use that with Mark?"

"No."

"Don't."

"I've never planned on it."

"Good. Later." 

"Later."


	7. Dangerously N Love

Justin's POV

It wasn't that bad after the phone calls. It's kind of like I got over Brian just enough to move on with my life. As is we still talk and the uncomfortable feeling I used to have when he was around is now gone; the weird way everybody used to treat me, like I was glass and could break any second..that also is gone.

Brian and Mark are still going strong. Sigh. I wish them luck and I'm dating someone myself now. His name is Ethan; I met him at this concert the school was having, he writes his own music and plays the violin.

I told Brian about him and his words were, 'Have fun'. What a load of bullshit! I know he hates the idea of me being with someone else, but I guess there isn't much he can say, because so is he and I was left alone.

The gang is getting together tonight at Woody's and I have to meet Ethan at my place, so I guess I better get off cloud number nine and get ready. I often ask everybody how they feel about Ethan and they all say it's fine by them. The only person that gives me shit is Michael, saying dumb shit like, 'You know what you're doing Justin?' or, my all time favourite, 'You're sick Boywonder!'. That one is so funny the way he says it.

I don't wanna let them know how all that bad shit Brian did to me really fucked me up. When Ethan says he loves me, I'll never be able to say it back to him, because why lie to him when I'm not sure if I'll still love him next week?

 

Brian's POV

I'll see Justin tonight and I have to say I can't wait. I've missed being around him. I know he'll be there with Ethan, but I guess the idea of the stolen touches we share makes me excited.

Mark is starting to get on my fucking nerves.

He's everything I don't want. I want Justin, but I have come to realize I may have fucked that up once and for all.whils I'm thinking of what if's and stealing kisses someone come a knocking on my door.

"What?"

Brian? it's me"

"Justin?!?!"

"it's open"

"Hi Brian"

"We need to talk,I'm trying really hard to understand you and I'm finding hard to one second you'll all over me the next you don't want me make up your mind"

that's when It happens I walk over to Justin and grab him by the back of his neck and kiss him like It was the frist time all over again...


	8. Dangerously N Love

AUTHORS NOTE: Hey Guys it's been awhile since I last wrote any chapters.I just wanted to give you a heads up about this chapter this is a day before story meaning this is the day before the last chapter happen this is what lead to the last chapter I hope you'll understand happy reading!!

* * *

Time went really slow the last six months. I faked, as if I'd moved on. From what I can tell, Brian and Mark are doing great while I jump from trick to trick, never fucking'em twice but fucking myself more then I can count. Brian and I have gone out a few times and shared secret touches unnoticed. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to prom and relive that night over and over again, but since I can't..I won't.

It's Sunday, which means it's family night at Debbie's. I've avoided the last five because I didn't want to see Brian and Mark, but not this one. Debbie cornered me at the diner last night and said 'be there or else' and, knowing Deb, I don't want to find out what 'or else' means.

As I get ready, I must say I'm nervous as if this was the first time I've been to Deb's and it's not. I guess I'm nervous because I have to see Brian and Mark kissing and fucking touching and it kills me, every piece of me..the most Important piece, like my art. I can't draw right, it doesn't come out right, I have been working on the same piece for over a month and it's still not done. I never really understood how he made my art possible. I guess he saved me more then I think.

As I'm walking over to Deb's, I think back to the conversation I had with my mom a week ago about me making the right choices and making them for all the right reasons and not out of fear or a broken heart.

I guess I'll deal with whatever comes my way when I get there.

As I'm walking up to the front door, I have butterflies in my stomach and my palms are wet. I hope nothing goes to wrong tonight. As I weigh my options, Debbie flings the door open.

"Sunshine! I didn't think you were going to make it. It was getting late."

"I said I would come and so I did."

"Yes, you did, but if you hadn't I would have understood. I would have been sad, but I would have understood your reasons."

"I know."

"By the way, everybody is here waiting."

That was my clue or hit to let me know that Mark and Brian are in the building.

"Thanks Debbie."

"You're welcome kiddo."

 

"Hi." I say to everyone.

"Hi, sweetie." Lindsay says first, as if seeing me did more bad then good.

"Hi everyone! Where is Gus?" I ask, because in reality he's the only person I really want to see right now.

"He's asleep." She replies, as if she was upset I asked for him, and walks away.

"So, babe, how have you been? How is school?" Emmett inquires, as if he was voted the weakest link.

"Umm, I'm doing good. School is also good. I'm on the honor roll, so all in all I'm great."

"Ok who's hungry?" Debbie asks right on cue. Thank God.

As I sit down with "The Family" and, of course, right across from Brian, he catches me smiling at him. The look he gives me saying, 'Why are you smiling?'. 

I glance over, catching Brian's satisfied look on his smug face and I have to grin. Okay, so he caught me…but that doesn't mean that I'll just give him what he wants…well, not right away at least. 

His little smile turns into a full blown grin as he just nods his head, humoring me, and I can't decide whether I wanted to smack him or kiss him. 

Instead, I just turn away again, huffing as I look up at the bright ceiling, desperately wanting a joint.

I huff again and roll my eyes when I hear Brian laugh. 

Fucker. 

I know…I know… Don't get involved, it wants work, but I tend to get a little emotional sometimes, even though I fucking hate the thought of it. But when I open myself up like that, let him so deep inside me, in more ways than one…it lingers…leaving an effect on me that I can't just turn off like a switch, no matter how fucking hard I try. 

But I'm glad I came to this little family dinner.

BRIAN'S POV

I know that I hide it pretty well…at least I think I do. But who the hell knows. That little shit's been on to me for so long now that I wouldn't be surprised if he knew exactly every single thought that was swimming around in this messed up brain of mine.

 

I know he'd be thrilled if he did. Because right now, all I can think about is that slow burn and the feeling of him inside me.

 

Okay, so everyone knows that Brian Kinney and consummate top go hand in hand, but sometimes, every once in a while, I need something else. I need to feel Justin inside of me. I'm not sure why and the last thing I want to do is analyze it. I just know that it's a part of what we share…just the two of us.

 

I guess I feel safe with him. 

And, to me, that's probably the most fucking amazing revelation yet. Feeling safe with someone is not to be taken lightly, not by me. Not from where I've come from. To me, it's…well…it's everything. 

I don't know if he knows just how he makes me feel. I know I should tell him. Just come right out and say it, but that's not my style. 

But, as I turn over onto my side, again feeling that sweet torturous burn in my ass, I can't help but smile, a full-blown, genuine one this time, as I catch his eyes; and what I see there lets me know that I don't have to say it…he already knows it. 

As I'm in dreamland looking at him, he does something that causes the whole table to stop talking.

"Why are you smiling?" Justin asks again, but out loud this time.

The whole gang looks at me, then him, waiting for me to say something..anything.

Fucker.

And he must understand, because his hand covers his mouth and, without words from me or anyone else, he changes the subject. No-one else sees the bond we share, so no-one can see the reason why I'm smiling. And, just like that, they leave the unknown alone.

This night seems to be looking up.

And I'm excitied to see what's next.


End file.
